AMAs: The Lonely Fugherd

At what point did Gwen Stefani decide to become the cheap Halloween-costume version of herself?

Between the outfit that looks stolen straight from Serena Williams’ tennis bag of misguided on-court couture to the aggressive Gucci-logo knockoff on the belt to the $4.99 wig from Dr. Boo’s Costume Emporium and Terror Barn to the tinted Elvis shades that aren’t actually blocking any light (and therefore are only there because she actually decided they look good), I am overall disappointed in Gwen’s post-pregnancy return to the red carpet, toned gams notwithstanding.
Her on-stage getup wasn’t much better.


Yes, she has traded in the Serena suit, but she’s replaced it with those omnipresent offensively odd footless tights, some sort of space-Cleopatra jumper, and a gaggle of Stefani clones in ridiculous children’s pajamas and wrestling boots.
All I can surmise from any of this is: Lucy Liu finally woke up and realized she accidentally starred in two Charlie’s Angels films, and has hurriedly given her part to a big-screen-hungry Stefani. Her first film in as part of the trio, Charlie’s Angels 3: Engage The Thrusters, sends our three jumpsuit-crazy wingnuts into the outer realms of the galaxy to retrieve a devastating universe-exploding weapon, while also engaging in intergalactic shenanigans with karaoke, mime, a cooking class, a stealth jet dogfight, and an actual dogfight, all wrapped up in the tawdry bow of another plot so poorly rendered it appears to have been translated into English from its native Martian.
So I guess congratulations are in order… to Lucy Liu. As for Gwen, well, listen up, lady: This is what you get for dragging The Sound of Music‘s poor, unsuspecting “The Lonely Goatherd” into your maddening repertoire. You have only yourself to blame.

Fug Stefani

Gwen Stefani looked so fantastic throughout her pregnancy; quirky and unusual, but still flattering. And now…well, we’ve still got “unusual” covered.


I sort of don’t know what to say, and I almost always know what to say.  Perhaps as an homage to Claridge’s, where it appears this event was held, Gwen decided it would be a good idea to dress as Americans imagine a low-level British royal would have dressed in, like, 1983, back when even Princess Diana thought it was a good idea to wear giant sailor collars and dropped waists.
My distaste for the 80s revival has been well documented here, but I think if anyone could pull it off, it would be Gwen. But let’s move more toward, like, kooky Lacroix 80s revival and away from dowdy, gift bag-looking 80s revival, shall we?

celebuzz Gwen Stefani

I don’t really feel like saying any more that I hate high-waisted Grandpa-pouch-inducing formal shorts, self-made vanity-logo bling, and — increasingly — wee little girlie neckties. It’s been said. A lot. By us. Our faces are turning blue from the effort.


So instead, I’ll say this: All of a sudden, I have THE most potent craving for those deliciously cruncy little Bugles corn snacks. I can’t imagine why.

celebuzz // Stefani,

I generally can’t sit through the terrible American Idol results shows without the promise of being able to fast-forward through the parts that horrify me (read: 97 percent of it). This is how I ended up stalling for time by watching half of She’s All That last night, and debating with my friend which of the supporting cast members has since become the most famous. Disqualifying Lil’ Kim for just being there on a lark, we got to: Anna Paquin, Dule Hill, and Gabrielle Union in that order, after much debate about the last two. In case you were wondering. Matthew Lillard was also disqualified, on account of Scooby Doo, because DEAR GOD.
Anyway, once we got going on Idol, my itchy trigger finger had to put down the remote so that it could pick up my camera. Because as usual, Gwen Stefani was delivering a hearty dose of shrink-wrapped crazy:

I had thought Gwen passed Harajuku Fever like a particularly gargantuan kidney stone, but if Kimono, Interrupted up there is any indication, she’s still got some residual symptoms.
At first, I couldn’t fathom why she would turn her obi into a garish rosette after using it to tie her skirt into what resembles a very roomy, overly formal adult diaper. But then I caught a glimpse of who showed up at the finale on the red carpet,… and I realized Gwen must have just fallen and hit her head on the toilet earlier today, and instead of introducing her to the flux capacitor like it should have, it merely caused her to take style tips from the Miss America organization’s official court jester.

Yes: Bobby Trendy.


If Charo ever needs a footman for a horse-drawn carriage, this is what the uniform would look like.
And if America were ever invited into the Eurovision Song Contest on some sort of honorary visa — like, say, if Luxembourg were to just give up and admit it kind of needs to mow the lawn that night anyway, deferring its spot to us — I would send over Bobby Trendy. It doesn’t even matter if he can sing. Between the tulle and the stripper boots and the choker and the little bow befitting only the most spoiled poodle at the dog show, he would be COMPLETELY underdressed, and half the acts would look over at him and snort, “Oh, please, who invited Laura Ingalls Wilder?”
At which point Bobby would have to move over there to lock himself in a Tulle Shed and hone his craft in the presence of the real masters, and people like Gwen Stefani would never be in danger of walking up to him in a post-bathroom-accident delirium to ask, “Hey, will you tie this thing for me? I can’t reach.” Everybody wins.

Tragic Fugdom

I have to admit, I’ve always had a fondness for Gwen Stefani — with a brief time out for the Wacky Footless White Tights and Silent Harajuku Girls as Accessories period. That was just weird. Perhaps it’s because we share a love of leopard print, I don’t know. But it’s hard not to give it up for someone who clearly is really creative about what she wears, even if what she wears is totally nutola. And god knows, it’s no secret that Gwen cares about what she looks like. In fact, until about ten minutes ago, I misheard the “What You Waiting For” lyric “I can’t wait to go back and do Japan/Get me lots of brand new fans/Osaka, Tokyo/You Harajuku girls/Damn, you’ve got some wicked style,”  as “I can’t wait to go back and do Japan/Get me lots of brand new fans/Osaka, Tokyo/Your hair is sure good, girls/Damn, you’ve got some wicked style,” meaning that, you know, she can’t wait to go back to Japan because all the girls there are wearing awesome outfits and have really great hair. This did not seem weird to me. Obviously Gwen would notice what everyone was wearing everywhere she went. She thinks about these things. Which is why I am mildly alarmed by this:



Photo courtesy of Celebrity Babylon.
Why, yes, those are men’s briefs poking out from the top of what I presume are Gavin’s old jeans, circa “Machinehead.” And in the interest of full disclosure, I am pretty sure that I wore the Boyfriend Jeans, tight polo shirt and Birkenstocks look more than once while I was in college (it was the 90s, dude. I woke up every morning to the guy next door warbling that, despite all his rage, he was still just a rat in a cage).  She looks comfortable and cute, in a ratty kind of way, and it all just takes me back — what can I say? Howevs: what’s with the undies?  Unlike in certain other cases, I have full confidence that when Gwen shows us her delicates, she knows she’s doing it.  So, much as we all found ourselves looking for our own silent gang of artfully coiffed and wardrobed individuals of the nationality of our choice two years ago, are we likewise about to enter a period where it’s trendy for girls to sport men’s underwear? Because that seems too much like high school, when I wore boxers all the time. (Not as underwear. As shorts. My actual underwear is none of your business. Okay, except maybe for you -- you’re cute.)

Gwen Stefani

So, you all know my stance on the formal shorts issue, of course. And I’m pretty sure that if Km Stewart or someone showed up at the Ivy or whatever wearing this, I would snit, “Nice try, Kim Stewart, but you are NO Gwen Stefani,” and then I would flounce off the interwebs and off to my room. On the other hand, Gwen Stefani IS Gwen Stefani, and, ergo, I feel like she’s kind of working what appears to possibly be formal dolphin running shorts and shortie boots:

Fab or Fug: Gwen Stefani

Seriously, it’s like she stole the thatched roof off someone’s tiki hut, dyed it black, and hit up a funeral luau. Has she traded in Harajuku for Hawaii? I’d just appreciate a little warning so I can prepare myself mentally, in the event that she shows up on American Idol in a grass skirt and a coconut bra while a posse of 14 women in leis carry in a pig on a spit.

Fab or Fug: Gwen Stefani

Wow, I just got really distracted by Gwen Stefani’s face:

She kind of looks weirdly like Judith Light to me here — or, as one of our photo sources labeled her today, “Judy Light,” like the editor there went to high school with her or something. I mean, she looks like Judy Light’s DAUGHTER or similar, of course, not as though she is Judith Light’s current age, although I’d also like to take this moment to note that I think Judith Light looks great for her age and also I love her on Ugly Betty. But — questions regarding who may or may not be The Boss aside — Gwen normally doesn’t look the way the person in this picture looks. Is it because, without her trademark red lipstick, my brain doesn’t recognize her? Like, I have no muscle memory for THIS Gwen Stefani, so I find the whole thing off-putting on a chemical, neurological level? What I’m saying is: I fear this make-up may have gone a wee awry.
But let’s look below the chin and check out the rest of her get-up:

Huh. Imagine that. It’s kind of mullet, but I like it all the same.
That’s a sentence I’ve NEVER EVEN THOUGHT TO MYSELF BEFORE.

Fug the Cover: Gwen Stefani

Okay. I want to be clear. I don’t DISLIKE this cover. For one thing, I love that they put “The Red Lipstick That Anyone Can Wear” right next to Gwen’s head, because…well, you know how she loves her red
lipstick. That seems smart. And to be honest with you, this issue of Elle actually has a lot of articles, it seems, that I legitimately want to read and not just because they sound hilariously inept or out of touch. I DO want to make my long hair shine, okay? Is that so wrong? Also: I am relieved that shopping is back. And the line, “SHOPPING’S BACK!” reminds me fondly of my favorite billboard. See, here in Los Angeles, near Fairfax, about five years ago, there was the best billboard ever. All it said was, in sweeping letters, “SYPHILIS IS BACK!” Like it was a hit musical. I giggled every time I saw it. Not because syphilis is funny. Because I am immature. BUT ANYWAY. My issue with this cover is simply that I can not figure out what Gwen is wearing. The top seems….attached to the bottom. But it must just be tucked in, or (horrors) a bodysuit, right? And then….there are pants? And a little…apron-y thing attached to them? Or….is that? I’m….just trying to puzzle that out. It looks like a very chic handwarmer of the sort used by quarterbacks playing in frigid climates and honestly, if anyone were to adopt that as a fashion statement, it MIGHT be Gwen Stefani. But I can’t imagine that’s what I’m actually….looking at? Is it….? It’s….? Are….? Maybe….? I am perplexed.  

Fuggaback Girl

I know that whatever a woman wears to take her kids on a hike is her own private business, generally speaking. But… you guys, I just had to make sure I am not hallucinating these pants.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]
You’re seeing tie-dyed harem leggings too, right? Are those even actually TECHNICALLY harem pants? What is the term for pants that are tight on the legs but have enough room in the crotch to hide Gwen’s other child? Why do we live in a world where such a noun is necessary? Crotch-slings? Knee bags? Pantaballoons?
Also: Whenever I see anyone in pantaballoons like these, I wonder how they do not drive themselves insane wearing them. They’re built to replicate the feeling of having your pants fall off as you’re walking. Incidentally, I saw that happen to a guy on Ventura Blvd. He was strolling along with low-rider pants, and with each step they sank lower and lower until they finally fell off his ass and started flopping toward his knees, exposing his boxers. He kept right on going as if nothing had happened. Maybe HE’S the guy who pioneered pantaballoons.

Fugger: Gwen Stefani

The most distracting thing about this for me — aside from all the eyeliner, belts, and snort pants on display — is that I keep glancing at this too quickly and then having to do a double-take to determine that it’s not Madonna.

Not that, on many levels, there is anything wrong with being mistaken for a legendary Queen of Pop. But in general when I see Madonna, I lunge to protect all my major arteries to prevent them from being milked like an udder by her Olympic weightlifter arms, and Gwen might not want to foster any kind of relationship with that reaction. 

Next up: Trying to determine if that’s a tiny wee skirt, or shorts. I THINK I have come down on the side of skirt, although there’s some polterwang-adjacent bunching that makes it hard to tell ANYTHING definitively except that if Darth Vader had a favorite hostess at the Death Star Hotel & Casino, she would be wearing this.

Taking all that into account: Does Gwen pull it off anyway?

No Fugbt

It’s always tough to fug people’s winter wear, because when it’s freezing outside and there’s just been a snowpocalypse, I am of the mind that one should put on whatever one needs in order to live.

[Photo: WENN.com]

And if that happens to be a coat that’s an ode to color bars, well, so be it. As an added bonus, if Joseph’s technicolor dreamcoat gets lost at the cleaners, she can sell him this replacement. Easy money.

L.A.M.celebuzz

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

So, this post was going to have a dialogue — something about Gavin Rossdale showing Gwen a photo of herself that proves wearing a shirt with tails is ridiculous, especially when you pair it with athletic pants, as if your gym towel got stuck in the waistband. And then something about how her shoes look like she went to a foot-binding clinic, and it would all end in a tiny little testy moment in which it’s implied that Gwen is really pissy about the fact that Gavin didn’t just tell her this before they left the house. But you guys, it was NOT FUNNY. Like, at all. It just sat there like a dead fish on a cutting board, waiting for me to gut it, which would never happen because I hate both fish AND guts, so I’d be stuck with nasty rotting seafood stinking up my kitchen while I refused to confront my fear of anything icky. (Tangibly icky, that is — obviously, icky clothes in photographs are fine, mostly because my nostrils remain unmolested by them.) I think channeling Kanye sapped my first-person mojo for the day. Hopefully not forever.

So now I need something to talk about here. How are you? Did that thing you were doing end up okay? What about that trip you took to that place? Can we talk about how constantly cutting to Jennifer Hudson singing “One Shining Moment” during the basketball montage last night completely ruined it, because it made it about her and not about the tournament? Maybe we should discuss how I don’t mind that Lost is totally cracked-out and uneven this season, because I think it should die as it lived. Or how the word “nougat” makes me giggle. Or how Mercy is actually kind of great and it’s probably going to get cancelled, which sucks, because James Van Der Beek is hilarious on it, and so, surprisingly, is Michelle Trachtenberg. Maybe we can discuss how I can’t break my cycle of having a peanut-butter sandwich for lunch almost every day. At least THAT brings us back around to he giant black napkin swinging from Gwen’s buttocks, which makes me feel like all this typing was not for naught. Nougat. Hee.

celebuzz //Fug or Fab: Gwen Stefani

There is something endearing about the fact that Gwen Stefani has an item of clothing she loves so much, she keeps wearing it no matter how many years ago she first clutched it to her red-lipsticked bosom and begged it not to ruin the moment with a lot of talk.

[Photo: WENN.com]

Tragically, that item is this pair of white footless tights. They’re distracting me from this suit, which much of the Internet — if our Inbox is to be believed — found to be a crime against stripes, lapels, the baby clothes that are clutched to it, and the Coca-Cola name. Me, I find it oddly fun, as if she made it out of an old pair of Gavin’s pajamas, rolled it up, put it under her pillow with a photo of Joan Collins, and then woke up and found it was finally was done cooking. But maybe that’s just because I love pajamas and Joan Collins.

celebuzz //Met Ball Fug Carpet: Gwen Stefani

Grey Pants is all, “…huh.” Blazer Dude is all, “NO.” And Grey Dress is all, “well,

what the hell? It’s Gwen Stefani. Facebook needs to know this.”

This is what Gwen wore to close L.A.M.B on Thursday night — the night Matt Damon ditched us, although I felt close to him once more after I watched The Informant on the plane home, and then caught up on 30 Rock this weekend, which I think might have featured the greatest performance of his career to date — and when she came down the runway, it actually looked like a dress, and I quite liked it. Now that I know it’s pants, I feel a bit more conflicted. On the other hand, there’s something about it that’s sari-inspired (right? Or wait, no — saris don’t have pants, do they? You know what I mean, right? Someone please help me remember what I mean in the comments) and that I do enjoy. God, I’m so confused — I clearly have not fully recovered from a Fashion Week in which one day brought us both Aubrey O’Day AND Salman Rushdie.

Sheesh. Every time I think we’re FINALLY DONE with the Met Ball, another picture pops up that I forgot we didn’t already cover.

Gwen’s facial expression is all, “Don’t speak. I know just what you’re saying.” And so I’ll deep-six the little story I concocted about a moth-eaten wedding gown, an old bathing suit, and cobwebs from poor under-the-bed storage; I’m pretty sure she wants me not to tell her, because it hurts.

celebuzz //Gwen Stefani 2011

As always, I love looking at the expressions of the background people in this picture:



Grey Pants is all, “…huh.” Blazer Dude is all, “NO.” And Grey Dress is all, “well, what the hell? It’s Gwen Stefani. Facebook needs to know this.”

This is what Gwen wore to close L.A.M.B on Thursday night — the night Matt Damon ditched us, although I felt close to him once more after I watched The Informant on the plane home, and then caught up on 30 Rock this weekend, which I think might have featured the greatest performance of his career to date — and when she came down the runway, it actually looked like a dress, and I quite liked it. Now that I know it’s pants, I feel a bit more conflicted. On the other hand, there’s something about it that’s sari-inspired (right? Or wait, no — saris don’t have pants, do they? You know what I mean, right? Someone please help me remember what I mean in the comments) and that I do enjoy. God, I’m so confused — I clearly have not fully recovered from a Fashion Week in which one day brought us both Aubrey O’Day AND Salman Rushdie.[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

celebuzz //Gwen Stefani

I suspect is one of those outfits where, if Shenae Grimes was wearing it, I would LET HER HAVE IT. (Sorry, Shenae.)



But Gwen is one of those people who gets away with things other people can’t get away with. Often. In general. On occasion. Not necessarily here? From the neck up, I am SOLD. From the neck down, I am…Sale Pending?

celebuzz //Doubt

“Ahh, I remember the 90s,” Gwen Stefani thought.



“Of course, they’re hard to forget when you’re married to them. Er, I mean, wearing them. Freudian slip.”

[Photo: Splash]

Gwen Stefani: ‘I’m Very Vain’

Gwen Stefani: ‘I’m Very Vain’

Gwen Stefani on vanity & performing while pregnant: “It was horrible. Certain songs would make me want to puke. You feel pretty gross when you are first pregnant. You don’t feel cute, you feel disgusting. You’re getting fat. It was hard. I mean, I’m very vain. That would be my middle name. Of course I am, you know what I mean? I love the visual.”

… says Gwen Stefani in Elle Magazine.

See the cover plus one more next!

 

skinnyvscurvy

Gwen Stefani 

Zuma is just so BIG!! Oh my goodness – my has time flown.

Here’s Gwen Stefani helping her children - Zuma and Kingston – out of their car ( a Maserati) and into her parents’ house in Los Feliz. Looks like the ‘No Doubt’ singer – who recently admitted her relationship with Gavin Rossdale has been a rough ride –  brought along a nanny for a little extra help.


Let’s do a quick cap poll – who wears them??

Gwen Stefani

imnotobsessed

Photos by FAME